December 12, 2003

PLEASE, JUST GO AWAY.

By James Eugene*

Usually, I write an end of the year piece that gives New Year's Wishes to various pols. But before I do that, I want to ask some people to just go away. I do not want to see them, I do not want to hear from them, I want the press to ignore them (which is never the case) and I would not care if I never heard about them again. So without further interruption, my list of people who I wish would just go away.

AL SHARPTON: (You knew he would be first.) Ever think there is a reason why black politicians have not rallied to his presidential campaign.

TOM DELAY: As long as the Republican Party has him among their ranks, I do not think any conservative can ever complain about liberals being "uncivil."

ANYONE TALKING ABOUT LACI PETERSON: I do not care about Laci Peterson, her death, or anything else. My condolences to her parents, but why is this a media story?

MICHAEL JACKSON: He's bad. Really, he's bad. He is also over the hill.

GEORGE PATAKI: From what I understand, he wants to go away too.

AT LEAST HALF OF THE CITY COUNCIL: If you don't have a Chair position, you don't count at all, and even if you do, you may still not count.

THE PUBLIC ADVOCATE's OFFICE: I have nothing against Betsy Gotbaum, but have we heard "Boo" out of her over the past two years. Are we ready now for the referendum to end this joke of an office?

ROBERT DURST: Now let me get this straight. You are worth hundreds of millions of dollars, you kill a guy, you dismember his body and then you are found not guilty of murder. It must have happened in Texas. One thing you will never read: "You are poor, you kill a guy, you dismember his body and then you are found not guilty of murder."

THE INDEPENDENT BUDGET OFFICE and THE BOROUGH PRESIDENTS. At least you do hear "Boo" from them once in awhile. Still, millions of dollars can be better spent.

CHARLES HYNES, BROOKLYN DISTRICT ATTORNEY. He is so worn out that they should put him on life support.

CONGRESSMAN MAJOR OWENS: He has announced that he will be leaving in three years. Why wait? Get out now.

DEMOCRATIC CONTENDERS WITHOUT A CHANCE: Who are Carol Mosely Braun and Dennis Kucinich? Hopefully, by now, the Sharpie has gone away.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Even if you think she is cute, you have to wonder why she wants to be Madonna when there already is Madonna. A mouseketeer struggling to hold onto fame is not pretty, especially when emulating a middle-age woman struggling to hold onto fame.

THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR: Quick, give me this person's name.

PARIS HILTON: For that matter, the whole rich kid party set. If they did not have society pages, they would have to invent them.

WESTCHESTER DISTRICT ATTORNEY JEANINE PIRRO: Are you telling me she had no idea about her husband's tax fraud? Are you fooling yourself? Or do you just think plausible deniability is a justifiable defense?

THE STATE LEGISLATURE: A body that makes the City Council look august.

THE CITY's REPUBLICAN PARTY: In a few years, we will be saying "going, going, gone..." Actually, for the most part, their elected officials aren't that bad. I'll admit that this one is a cheap shot.

BROADWAY: Unless it can figure out how to be artistically relevant again, you may be better off just going to the movies. Then again, maybe not. Read a book, instead.

ESPN: It thinks it is so hip. It is too hip for its own good.

ARNOLD: Palmer can stay, but the Terminator must go.

WINTER: Spring can't come soon enough.

GEORGE W. BUSH: I am just afraid that he won't go away.

* James Eugene is the pseudonym of a veteran of NYC government affairs. Inside The Big Apple will appear exclusively on the Empire Page. If you want to send tips or column ideas to James Eugene, email them to jameseugene@empirepage.com.